I am the sum of all my parts….my body parts.

When I was in fourth grade, while at church one day with my best friend Mindy, my life changed forever. In approximately three seconds, she said something to me that I have never forgotten and today, I am 45. We were changing to go from service to field day and when I took my shirt off, she said “why isn’t your stomach flat like mine”. I didn’t have an answer. For the rest of my childhood, I was terrified to change in front of anyone. I failed PE in high school because I wouldn’t dress out around my classmates…Intimacy was more comfortable as I got older and began experimenting with my sexuality. I was thin, and tall for my age…why did she ask me this? I know her intention was innocent because it was a simple visible difference but at that time, I didn’t realize how different all of our bodies are. My mother and grandmother both carried their weight the same way – skinny with a lower pouch belly…They are both beautiful women and I know that I too am just as beautiful. I love my body now.

Fast forward to about 6 years ago and I was recently divorced and dating someone new for the first time in over 10 years….nakedness came easy and in the daylight…intimacy wasn’t scary though she was 6’ tall, fit, and thin…I was still my average self with a lower pouch belly. I was dealing with divorce and losing a lot in my life and we were newly in love – eating out a lot and drinking a lot of wine and I started gaining weight as time was flying by – 25 lbs in 1.5 years. We were laying together one night and she asked me “how do you feel”? She directly addressed that I had gained weight and though I played sports and was very active, she was concerned about my health. I am sure you know where I am going with this….It took all of a minute for all of the memories of fourth grade to surface and the tears began to flow. The truth this time was that she was right. I didn’t feel great. I needed to take care of myself and eat healthier. I wasn't loving my body.

These were these isolated incidents decades apart but what I have deduced over the years is that my health is of utmost important and appearance should not dictate peoples’ perception of you; though it’s apparent society doesn’t function that way. It infuriates me that Corporate America markets to people who are overweight just as much as they market thinness being beauty. Diets, exercise equipment and the fastest gimmick to be skinny…these are all a joke. Being healthy is a lifestyle that is long term and to me, is not related to beauty. I am lucky to have privilege that allowed me to get healthy on the Weight Watchers lifestyle because I can afford to do so. I have access to healthy food and activities and I have free will and integrity…and drive. I lost 40lbs and I have kept it off since 2017. I feel very fortunate to have grown up in a family where there was never any ridicule, for any reason. I love my body now, more than I did then – not because of my weight but because I truly care about my health and not what anyone thinks about me. 

We are all built with differences and unique characteristics - what some would call flaws and I loathe that word related to the body. WHO is to say it is a flaw? Flawed is the thinking that comes along with perception of how things should or shouldn’t be, what society creates and taught behavior promotes. Dove and Target brands both come to mind when I think about their work to improve the acceptance of anything other than anorexic bodies and that reminds me of Katz’s movie, Tough Guise 2, where he is showing how action heroes have changed decade over decade to be more muscular – why are we so obsessed with image? Let’s become obsessed with loving ourselves eating right and being active, physically and mentally. I will continue on this journey, loving the hell out of my body along the way.

Enc: 4th grad me, and my before and after of my 2015-2017 get healthy mission.